My pet snake got away from me and slithered into a sausage factory; I soon expect it to slither out again. It won't be long now!
Some animal experts say that the average horse can run at 50 mph. Others say its more like 60. Everyone seems to have a different opinion... time to conduct a gallop poll.
The instructions on my shampoo bottle read, "Wash, rinse and repeat." A good thing it ran empty... otherwise I'd still be in the shower!
Boss: "Hold up there a minute, son. I'd like a quick word."
Subordinate: "Certainly, sir! How about 'accelerate'?"
I tried to be a gentleman today and held a door open for a group of ladies. Turns out that doesn't work so well with revolving doors.
First detective: "The victim has been bludgeoned 45 times with a lead pipe. Indications are it was racially motivated."
Second detective: "Hate crime?"
First detective: "Yes I do. That's why I became a cop."
My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet soon. He was right, too... I had to sell my car to pay the medical bill.
Q: How do lawyers sleep at night?
A: They lie on one side, then flip over to lie on the other.
I don't tell that many fat jokes, but am planning to tell more. I'd like my humor to be appreciated by a wider audience.
German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, sir. But I do know where I am."
Somebody vandalized my property... they spray painted "Perverts screw in here!" on my garage door! If I catch those little bastards, I'm gonna strangle 'em! I've been waiting three hours and haven't seen one yet!
If you visit Tintagel Castle in Cornwall, you might just see the ghost of Sir Gawain doing a standup act with the ghost of Sir Bedivere. The site is known for its late knight performances.
My dad was sick and tired of me lying around all day long. He told me I should get a life. Well, I bet he's proud of me now! I took his!
Q: How do you treat a porcupine with alopecia?
A: Any way you want. What's he gonna do to ya?
My wife's birthday was approaching and she was leaving jewelry brochures, the De Beers catalogue, even a copy of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" lying around. Well, I can take a hint... I got her a magazine rack.
There isn't much difference between a ham actor and a burglar. They both steal the spotlight.
I made six figures at my job last year! The boss says I better pick up the pace if we want to have all the GI Joes ready this Christmas.
Pizza is circular, the box it comes in is square and it's served in triangles. Mussolini certainly was disorganized; however, he did make the delivery trucks run on time.
My mom always said she was canning when she was putting up preserves, even though she never actually used any cans. I found it a jarring experience.
Folks in Athens must really hate getting up in the morning. Ads on TV constantly tell us that dawn it tough on Greece.
My grandma is 90 years old and has never had to use glasses. Even in bars, she drinks straight from the bottle.
Frog: "Please help me! I'm really a handsome prince transformed by a spell! Tell me... am I destined to be alone forever?"
Witch: "Let me look into your future... aha! I see you'll soon meet a lovely young girl... one interested in a hands-on relationship... one who'll want to know everything about you..."
Frog: "That's great! Will I meet her at the palace?"
Witch: "No... in Biology Class."
* * *
Some animal experts say that the average horse can run at 50 mph. Others say its more like 60. Everyone seems to have a different opinion... time to conduct a gallop poll.
* * *
The instructions on my shampoo bottle read, "Wash, rinse and repeat." A good thing it ran empty... otherwise I'd still be in the shower!
* * *
Boss: "Hold up there a minute, son. I'd like a quick word."
Subordinate: "Certainly, sir! How about 'accelerate'?"
* * *
I tried to be a gentleman today and held a door open for a group of ladies. Turns out that doesn't work so well with revolving doors.
* * *
First detective: "The victim has been bludgeoned 45 times with a lead pipe. Indications are it was racially motivated."
Second detective: "Hate crime?"
First detective: "Yes I do. That's why I became a cop."
* * *
My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet soon. He was right, too... I had to sell my car to pay the medical bill.
* * *
Q: How do lawyers sleep at night?
A: They lie on one side, then flip over to lie on the other.
* * *
I don't tell that many fat jokes, but am planning to tell more. I'd like my humor to be appreciated by a wider audience.
* * *
German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, sir. But I do know where I am."
* * *
Somebody vandalized my property... they spray painted "Perverts screw in here!" on my garage door! If I catch those little bastards, I'm gonna strangle 'em! I've been waiting three hours and haven't seen one yet!
* * *
If you visit Tintagel Castle in Cornwall, you might just see the ghost of Sir Gawain doing a standup act with the ghost of Sir Bedivere. The site is known for its late knight performances.
* * *
My dad was sick and tired of me lying around all day long. He told me I should get a life. Well, I bet he's proud of me now! I took his!
* * *
Q: How do you treat a porcupine with alopecia?
A: Any way you want. What's he gonna do to ya?
* * *
My wife's birthday was approaching and she was leaving jewelry brochures, the De Beers catalogue, even a copy of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" lying around. Well, I can take a hint... I got her a magazine rack.
* * *
There isn't much difference between a ham actor and a burglar. They both steal the spotlight.
* * *
I made six figures at my job last year! The boss says I better pick up the pace if we want to have all the GI Joes ready this Christmas.
* * *
Pizza is circular, the box it comes in is square and it's served in triangles. Mussolini certainly was disorganized; however, he did make the delivery trucks run on time.
* * *
My mom always said she was canning when she was putting up preserves, even though she never actually used any cans. I found it a jarring experience.
* * *
Folks in Athens must really hate getting up in the morning. Ads on TV constantly tell us that dawn it tough on Greece.
* * *
My grandma is 90 years old and has never had to use glasses. Even in bars, she drinks straight from the bottle.
* * *
Frog: "Please help me! I'm really a handsome prince transformed by a spell! Tell me... am I destined to be alone forever?"
Witch: "Let me look into your future... aha! I see you'll soon meet a lovely young girl... one interested in a hands-on relationship... one who'll want to know everything about you..."
Frog: "That's great! Will I meet her at the palace?"
Witch: "No... in Biology Class."